Took this off iftheshoefits. It's pretty hilarious.
Thanks dear! ^^
PROJECT GENESIS: Internal Corporate Correspondence
(or why we have 9 planets)
To: General Director Jehovah
From: Gabriel, Marketing Director
The market research conducted by our department for the Genesis project, shows that systems of the following configuration will generate the highest level of consumer enthusiasm:
Planet(s): 1
Radius: 3,000 km
Gravitational pull: 0.5g
Land/Water ratio: 1:1
Temperature: +24 C
Atmosphere: Oxygen
Oceans/Seas: Fresh Water
Rivers: Milk, Honey
Fauna: Herbivores
Peripherals: 2 luminary bodies, (for day, night).
Orbital Speed: 0.0007 RPM (1 revolution / 24h cycle)
Resolution:
Forwarding to the strategy planning department for preparation.
-- Jehovah
To: General Director Jehovah
From: Michael, Strategy Planning Manager
In order to minimize the overall project costs, I propose we power both luminary bodies using one energy source, and substitute Nitrogen for Oxygen.
Comments:
Leave at least 50% of the oxygen - otherwise we run the risk of user suffocation.
-- Raphael
25% Should suffice.
-- Jehovah
To: General Director Jehovah
From: Lucifer, Head of System Technology Department
In the course of our work on project Genesis, we have run into some difficulties (specifically in the "Let there be Light" phase of the project):
We do not currently have access to a source of uninterrupted light that can be channeled into two separate luminary bodies. I propose we utilize a standard "Red Dwarf" type light source for daytime illumination, and use a mirror for nighttime light.
Comments:
Upgrade to "Yellow Dwarf". The cost differential is minimal, but aesthetically, the look is far more impressive.
-- Gabriel (Marketing dept.)
But that's a multi-client light source! Why would the user need it for a single-planet system?
-- Lucifer
The marketing department will tell to the user what he needs or doesn't need.
-- Gabriel
Lucifer, please restrict your comments to questions within the field of your competence. I'm approving the "Yellow Dwarf".
-- Jehovah
By the way, with the level of light output generated by a Yellow Dwarf, we can use a regular planetoid instead of a mirror.
-- Michael
Agreed.
-- Jehovah
To: General Director Jehovah
From: Lucifer, Head of System Technology Department
The recent deviations from the specification introduced the following problems into the system:
The mass of the uninterruped light source is significantly greater than the mass of the planet. Due to this, the light source cannot be in orbit around the planet. Instead, it is the planet that is orbiting the light source.
Furthermore, due to the energy output of the light source, we are observing surface temperature that consistently exceeds the spec. by a factor of 2. However if we move the planet further away from the light source, the overall dimensions of the system will grow significantly.
Comments:
A larger system will probably benefit us from the marketing standpoint, but the fact that the planet is rotating around a peripheral device may lead to self esteem issues on the part of the user. Could we perhaps change the Gravitational Constant to compensate?
-- Gabriel
Changing the Gravitational Constant will result in compatibility problems down the line
-- Michael
What difference is it to the user what orbits what? Let Marketing come up with some kind of theory of Relativity.
-- Jehovah
To: General Director Jehovah
From: Lucifer, Head of System Technology Department
After the increase in the orbital radius, all attempts to accelerate the planet to specified velocity have consistently lead to a system crash. (The planet escapes from orbit into outer space.)
By the way, the nighttime luminary exhibits the same behavior.
Comments:
The internal behavior of the system is irrelevant. We must deliver on the user experience. Why not make the planet revolve around its own axis? The user will then think that both the Sun and the Moon are orbiting it with the speeds originally specified.
-- Gabriel
Won't the user catch on?
-- Jehovah
Even if he does, it won't be til' the project is long delivered.
-- Gabriel
Agreed.
-- Jehovah
To: General Director Jehovah
From: Raphael, QA & Support Lead
Initial testing has revealed the following defects:
We are observing consistent overheating.
The axis of revolution has shown a 33 deg. declination from the vertical, resulting in cyclic temperature anomalies.
The rivers' throughput falls far short of expectations.
Herbivore fauna (as specified) is missing.
The orbit is unstable. Planet tends to fall into the Sun.
Resolution:
Forwarding to the tech. department for review.
-- Jehovah
To: General Director Jehovah
From: Lucifer, Head of System Technology Department
We are observing consistent overheating.
What else did you expect with that Land/Water ratio? For proper cooling to occur we need a ration of 1:3 - 1:4.
The axis of revolution has shown a 33 deg. declination from the vertical, resulting in cyclic temperature anomalies.
We're working on it.
The rivers' throughput falls far short of expectations.
This is because milk curdles, and honey crystallizes.
Herbivore fauna (as specified) is missing.
Hebivores require vegitation, which cannot grow in this heat without water. I propose to put water into the rivers. This should also help resolve problem (3).
The orbit is unstable. Planet tends to fall into the Sun.
We will intoroduce another planet on a larger orbit to serve as a gravitational counterweight.
Comments:
There's not enough room to reduce the landmass. We will have to increase the area of the oceans. This will result in a larger diameter and stronger gravitational pull. Plus the extra planet...
-- Michael
That's allright, the user will just have to live with it. We will present the extra planet as an added feature. However, we have already announced the Milk and Honey, will have to at least leave them in the most prominent rivers.
-- Gabriel
Let me remind you that the deadline for this project is fast approaching, and yet you are still beating a dead horse. Speaking of which, why have the designers not come up with a horse concept yet, and are still mucking about with the dinosaurs? Who needs these dinosaurs anyway?
-- Jehovah
Generally speaking, the user has shown great interest in dinosaurs.
-- Gabriel
Fine. But we must have horses too.
-- Jehovah
To: General Director Jehovah
From: Raphael, QA & Support Lead
In addition to the unsolved problems with the axis, the planet now has the tendency to fly away into space.
Herbivores are missing again.
Resolution:
Forwarding to the tech. department for review.
-- Jehovah
To: General Director Jehovah
From: Lucifer, Head of System Technology Department
In addition to the unsolved problems with the axis, the planet now has the tendency to fly away into space.
We'll add another counterweight, this time on a smaller orbit.
Herbivores are missing again.
They seem to have multiplied, ate all the vegitation and died out.
Comments:
How many counterweights do you need?!
-- Michael
All in all after the calibration we were able to stabilize the system at nine.
-- Lucifer
Did I understand correctly? Instead of one planet the user will be getting 9?!
-- Jehovah
So what? Eight of them will be uninhabitable anyway.
-- Lucifer
The user doesn't need to know. Half of these planets cannot be seen without a telescope. I suggest ammending the user manual with an 11-th Commandment: "Thow Shalt Not Invent A Telescope".
-- Gabriel
No. Then they will definitely invent it.
-- Jehovah
By the way, after the orbital radius was increased, the brightness of the night-time light source fell below the specified minimum. I propose using a mirror after all.
-- Raphael
Where were you before? We just finished balancing the system! Should we start over?
-- Lucifer
There will be no starting over! The project deadline is in six days! Lucifer, either make it all work or you will be demoted and transferred to a different post.
-- Jehovah
To: General Director Jehovah
From: Lucifer, Head of System Technology Department
> Lucifer, either make it all work or you will
> be demoted and transferred to a different post.
How is it my fault, if I didn't get a proper spec?
Anyway... The axis will have to stay angled as it is. The garden of Eden at least, will get +24C, but if the user goes wandering around elswhere, that's his problem. Doesn't look like we'll be able to finish the dinosaurs, but at least the horses will definitely be done. Milk and Honey are out, we made the rivers run with water, although it's bringing salt out into the oceans and seas. We had to introduce some Predators to keep the Herbivores from eating up all the vegetation again. However, we didn't have time to set the predators up to distinguish the users from their prey.
In short, it will all probably work out.
Comments:
Let it be so.
-- Jehovah
Epilogue
The head of System Technology Department, Lucifer, was in the end demoted and transferred, as punishment for unsanctioned assistance lent to the user in the usability testing phase of project Genesis.
